Deck the Halls (with Family Drama)
Quick ways to find some holiday peace
Forty-one percent of Americans say their mental health is negatively impacted by the holidays. We’re here to help. Welcome to Keeping Spirits Bright, an end-of-year series to support your mental wellbeing.
The holidays can bring up all sorts of feelings. We love our family. We want to spend time with them. But, like everyone else, they’re imperfect.
The guilt trips. Judging your life choices. Minimizing your feelings. Unsolicited advice… The list of potential grievances is loooong.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, I reached out to Dr Jessi Gold, a psychiatrist and Rare Beauty Mental Health Council member. She shared tips for protecting your mental health during family get-togethers.
Just a note that if your safety is at risk, Dr. Jessi Gold does not recommend attempting these tactics. Keep your distance altogether from potentially dangerous family members. Take care of yourself first.
Be prepared
If you know a family get-together is likely to be stressful, plan ahead.
“Does grandma always make triggering comments about food? Before you walk into the room, think about how you can deal with it,” explains Dr. Gold. She recommends making a list of topics that typically push your buttons, and scripting out responses. Practice different reactions to see what feels right. Worst case scenario, be ready to change the subject and ask about something they love: their kids, the local high school football team, or any other safe topic.
After family arguments, she says people are typically more rattled by their emotional reaction than by whatever sparked it. “You can’t control what anyone else says or does, but you can practice what you’ll do in response.” Try to keep your cool for your own peace of mind.
And if you’ve been prescribed medication for anxiety (like a beta blocker or benzodiazepine), consider preparing yourself by taking it on the way to the event. “Those medications should be used occasionally in situations when you’re starting off at a higher anxiety level—that’s what they’re for. They can take up to an hour to work, so take them early enough to keep you covered.”
Call it like it is (silently)
You’ve thought about the behaviors that get to you, and you’ve thought about what you might say. But what if you don’t say anything? When you see triggering behaviors in real life, silently acknowledge them... and let them go.
“You can say to yourself, ‘Oh, there goes Aunt Jean, making inappropriate statements again. I knew it was going to happen because that’s just what she does,’” explains Dr. Gold. It’s not avoidance but accepting that, well, it is what it is—and it doesn’t have to weigh on you.
Take a break
Bring a fidget spinner, stress ball, or anything that can discreetly give you a physical distraction if things get tense. “And if you start feeling a certain way, take a break from the conversation,” Dr. Gold adds.
You could excuse yourself and head to the restroom to sit alone for a few minutes. You could text a friend to call you, so you can “take this important call outside.” When you feel any heightened emotional response, get up from the table and find a safe space to work through it.
Whatever you do, keep the cocktails to a minimum (and abstain completely if you’re taking anxiety medication). “Nobody controls emotions better with alcohol,” stresses Dr. Gold.
Reset expectations
We all love movies with happy endings, but Dr. Gold reminds us that reality isn’t scripted. “We’re all on different paths with different experiences and different family dynamics,” she says. “We can’t look to Hollywood as the example, even though it’s so easy to do.”
She says the same goes for social media: “No one’s captioning their posts, ‘I don’t want to go home for Thanksgiving because I hate my family.’ Instagram gives you one picture-perfect side of the story. It’s curated for a reason.” If only the real world was so easy to edit.
Love this hope your holiday is peaceful thankful to say surrounding myself with chosen family this holiday 💕
Thank you for the tips